1. You all know Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother as the woman who bibbidi-bobbidi-booped and changed Cinderella’s fate for the better…
2. Well #disbitch is actually the laziest, most IDIOTIC fairy godmother to EVER have existed and should be completely BANNED from ever serving another orphan girl.
3. To start off, we first meet this so-called “Fairy Godmother” when Cinderella’s distress (over her inability to go to the ball) summoned her.
4. Cinderella has no fucking CLUE who this woman is, which is a little surprising because aren’t Fairy Godmothers supposed to protect you your whole life? ESPECIALLY those who have lived a life like Cinderella?
Like both of her parents are D E A D as fuck and she’s a servant to her wicked stepmother. HELLO FAIRY GODMOTHER— THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU COME IN.
5. Anyways, after this “fairy” just nonchalantly shows up to help Cinderella get to the ball, SHE CAN’T EVEN FIND HER FUCKING WAND.
Her one source of magic, I might add.
6. YOU HAD ONE JOB, GODMOTHER.
Like are you a Hogwarts dropout or some shit?
7. After retracing her steps, she ends up finding her wand, and thinks, HMMM YOU KNOW WHAT CINDY NEEDS? SHE NEEDS A CARRIAGE MADE OUT OF A FUCKING PUMPKIN.
Because that’s the most IDEAL FORM OF TRANSPORTATION to get to a ball.
8. After she uses her limitless sorcery to make a carriage OUT OF A PUMPKIN, she decides it should be pulled by MICE TURNED INTO HORSES.
Because why would you make this magic pumpkin carriage fly? THAT WOULD BE SILLY.
9. … And during all of this, there was LITERALLY a horse right next to her that she could have just made into a better, prettier horse to pull the carriage.
Horse-mice that have never been bigger than a few inches UNTIL NOW is a MUCH better option, obviously.
10. So then this ~vigilant~ fairy finally notices the horse and decides he would make a PERFECT coachman.
11. Yeah, Fairy Godmother, LET’S PUT A HORSE-HUMAN IN CHARGE OF MICE-HORSES TO GET CINDERELLA TO THE BALL SAFELY. THIS WILL END WELL.
YOU DRUNK GIRL?
12. AND THEN she decides to turn a dog into a human too, serving no purpose whatsoever.
She was just YOLO-ing at this point.
13. But most importantly, let’s NOT forget that this “Godmother” was about to PEACE OUT until Cindy was all like, “WHAT ABOUT MY DRESS, BITCH?!?!?!?!”
14. THERE YOU GO. WAS THAT SO HARD, GODMOTHER?
15. And then, to make it all just a TOTAL FLOPPAGE, this WORTHLESS fairy decides to put A TIME LIMIT on everything and is basically like, “TAKE BACKSIES AT MIDNIGHT!”
16. So let’s just collect our thoughts here for a second:
This “Fairy Godmother,” whose whole purpose in life is to make Cinderella happy, showed up for the first time EVER in NINETEEN YEARS to spoil her with materialistic things, FOR A FUCKING DANCE, and it will all only last for a few hours? YOU GAVE THIS POOR ORPHAN HAPPINESS THAT WILL LAST SHORTER THAN A LORD OF THE RINGS MOVIE?
OK AWESOME — THANKS FAIRY GODMOTHER!!! XOXOOXOXOXOXO
17. So Cinderella SOMEHOW manages to get to the ball safely and charms the ass off of Price Charming…
OK…So maybe this fairy knows what she’s doing.
18. But then it gets dangerously close to midnight so Cinderella storms off in a hurry and her shoe slips off her foot…
19. REALLY FGM???????????????????????????????????
20. WHY COULDN’T YOU HAVE GOTTEN THE PROPER GLASS SLIPPER SIZE FOR CINDERELLA? HUH, FAIRY FUCKIN’ GODDAMNMOTHER!! ! ! ~! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!
Like poor Cinderella must have been stumblin’ ALL NIGHT.
21. So, because Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother has no fuckin’ clue what she’s doing, girl is back to living in rags and ends up BEING LOCKED UP by her stepmother.
22. Meanwhile, this “Fairy Godmother” is NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.
23. All I’m sayin’ is, if you can alter the DNA of a mouse to turn it into a FUCKING HORSE, you can magically unlock a door and get Cinderella out of her room.
24. I get that it all worked out and Cindy lived “happily ever after,” or whatever, but why didn’t this fairy speed up this process a little quicker with her magic stick? LIKE WHY WAIT TO SHOW UP UNTIL SHE’S UPSET ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO A DANCE?
25. Because I mean, Cinderella went through a lot worse than not being able to go to the ball…
26. Like where was this Fairy Godmother when she was forced to scrub floors?
27. Where was this “Fairy Godmother” when she was being physically assulted by her stepfamily?!?
28. Or say, I don’t know, WHEN BOTH HER MOTHER AND FATHER DIED?! WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS GODMOTHER!!!!!?!?! !! ! !!
29. I’m sorry homefairy, but you could have bibbibi-bobbidi-booped Cinderella a better life A LONG ASS TIME before you actually did. And because of that, you are the ABSOLUTE WORST Fairy Godmother to have ever existed.
AKA Fairy Godmother.